Clowning Around
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Catwoman convinces the Joker to pull the joke of the century on Batman, by making it seem like her and Joker are a couple. The only problem is, the Joker doesn't tell Harley Quinn it's a joke... Thanks to MissHQuinn for Harley and Crane's date! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Clowning Around**

On the roof of the Gotham City Art Gallery, the full moon illuminated a man in a purple suit, whistling to himself as he strung a series of explosives around the glass panels high above the main gallery. The whistling soon turned into happy singing as he checked the wires linking the explosives: "_I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright, and I pity any girl who isn't me tonight! I feel charming, oh so charming, it's alarming how charming I feel, and so pretty, that I hardly can believe I'm real! See that pretty girl in the mirror there, who can that attractive girl be? Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress, such a pretty smile, such a pretty me! I feel…_"

He was cut off as a whip tightened around his neck, choking his voice in his throat. "I know you're in love with a pretty wonderful boy, J, but the feeling's not mutual," growled a familiar voice, as another figure landed on the roof. "No need to attract his attention with all that singing."

"Well, as I live and…breathe!" gasped the Joker, smiling as Catwoman released the whip from around his throat. "If it isn't Batsy's favorite pussy! What are you doing here, puddy tat?"

"Same as you. Hoping to earn a few extra bucks from our friends in the black market who deal in stolen art," said Catwoman, peering through the glass panels. "Though I do have my eye on a rather fine piece I'm gonna keep for myself."

"Is it the one where those kittens are playing poker?" chuckled Joker.

"Those are dogs," snapped Catwoman. "No, it's a painting of a panther, actually. See the resemblance?" she purred, crouching down on all fours. "Sleek, black, dangerous?"

"That's racist," retorted Joker. "White people can be sleek and dangerous too, y'know. Just look at me!"

"Everything's a joke to you, isn't it, J?" sighed Catwoman.

"That's where my name comes from," he agreed.

"Well, this is stupid way to break into the building, if you don't mind my saying," said Catwoman. "If the explosion doesn't summon the Bat, the alarm will."

"_Précisément, mon chaton_," retorted Joker, laughing. "You don't think I'm actually interested in stealing the paintings, do you? Maybe cat burglary and petty thievery makes pussy purr, but I'm only doing this to fight the Bat. It's what I live for, really," he chuckled.

"You're pathetic," she muttered. "Nobody should ever be dependent on that jerk."

"Aw, trouble in paradise for love's young costumed dream?" sighed Joker. "That's sad. I always thought you and the Bat made a cute couple. I also always thought about whether or not you kept your masks on during sex. I think I would with the Bat – don't wanna ruin the mystery…"

"You know what, J, I'm really not in the mood to talk about him," interrupted Catwoman. "And I'm certainly not in the mood to see him, so if you're gonna light this homemade Batsignal, I'm outta here."

"Well, I did just see Batsy last week," said Joker. "But it's been ages since I hung around with my favorite feline femme fatale! We'll do it your way if you wanna, kitty."

Catwoman stared at him in shock. "Seriously?" she asked.

"Do I look like I'm joking?" asked Joker, grinning. "I know I do, but I've got a great poker face. You gonna play or fold, pussy pie?"

Catwoman studied him. "I'll play," she said, crouching down on the glass. "But only if you stop making jokes about pussies."

"Hey, you chose the name, not me!" chuckled Joker. "Can't expect me to resist when it's that obvious!"

"Well, try being a bit more subtle sometime, huh?" asked Catwoman, tracing her claw around in a large rectangle against the glass. "That's what women like – wit. Not goofy, clown funny."

"I'll have you know, the ladies love me," retorted Joker, grinning. "And Harley is very enthusiastic about my sense of humor. That's why she brings me the whoopie cushion every night."

"Too much information, J," retorted Catwoman, lifting the cut pane of glass and handing it to him. "Where is Harley tonight anyway?"

"Probably wearing something skimpy and waiting for me to get back," retorted Joker, putting the glass carefully down on the roof. "She wanted to come along, but I didn't want her spoiling me and Batsy's private time."

"Both Ivy and me have told her time and again that she'd be a lot happier if she just dumped you and moved on," muttered Catwoman, tying her whip to a gargoyle and throwing the other end down the hole.

"Would she, though?" asked Joker. "She's crazy in love with me, so being with me makes her happy. It makes sense if you're crazy too."

"You don't treat her right," retorted Catwoman, climbing down the whip into the museum. "And she shouldn't have to put up with it. Your girlfriend should always be the most important thing in a man's life. Not some stupid guy in a costume."

"Oooh, am I what caused your and Batsy's little rift?" chuckled Joker. "I'm flattered! Well, don't feel bad, kitty. I'm a pretty irresistible guy. It's only natural Bats would care about me more than you…"

"He doesn't care about you more than me," growled Catwoman, dropping to the ground and landing on her feet.

"No? He's never interrupted one of our dates to see you," chuckled Joker, climbing down after her. "How many dates of yours has he interrupted to see me?"

Catwoman ignored him, flipping on her infrared glasses and looking around the darkened room. "There's a tripwire system over there," she said, nodding. "So don't trip over it."

"_Ja wohl_, _mein Catmeister_!" exclaimed Joker, saluting.

"Do you think they want the frames with these, or can we just cut out the ones we want?" purred Catwoman, approaching one of the canvases and sharpening her nails.

"You can't just cut them out, kitty – you gotta have a joke to go with it!" exclaimed Joker. "You gotta pick the paintings based on some kinda gag."

"I don't do jokes, J," retorted Catwoman. "I base my crimes around how much money I can get for it. And this is the most valuable painting in here. Some kinda Rembrandt, I think? Art was never an interest of mine."

"Rem…brandt," said Joker, slowly. He shook his head. "Nah, can't do nothing with that. No joke there – we'll just have to leave it. Now this one here, I can do!" he chuckled, pointing at another painting. "It's by some guy called Van Dyck! Now do you suppose that's prounounced 'dick' or 'dyke'? And which joke do I use first?" he giggled.

"J, we're taking the Rembrandt," retorted Catwoman.

"We ain't got a joke for it!" he argued. "What's wrong with this Van Dyck?"

"This one is worth more money!" hissed Catwoman. "I've told you!"

"Well, I want this one," he said, grabbing the painting off the wall.

"It doesn't matter what you want…" she began, when suddenly an alarm blared through the museum.

"Whoops, clumsy me!" chuckled Joker. "Looks like the paintings are alarmed!"

"You moron!" snapped Catwoman. She grabbed the Rembrandt, tucked it under her arm, and then leapt back up to grab the whip. She shimmied back up, throwing the painting down on the roof and then glancing back. The Joker wasn't behind her. "Hurry up, would ya?" she shouted down. "Any second now the Bat could be here!"

"Yep," agreed a voice behind her. Catwoman whirled around to see Batman glaring down at her, arms folded across his chest. "Committing burglaries again, are we, Selina?" he asked.

"None of your goddamn business," she growled, picking up the painting.

"Crime in my city is my business, even if you don't feel you are anymore," retorted Batman.

"Well, committing a crime is certainly one of the only ways for a girl to get your attention," retorted Catwoman.

"Is that why you're doing this?" he asked. "To get my attention?"

"Don't flatter yourself," she snapped. "I don't need you, Bats. I've moved on with my life."

"Really?" he asked, skeptically. "Doesn't seem that way to me, if you're still committing your old crimes…"

"Sorry, kitty, that Van Dyck was heavier than I thought," said the Joker, pulling himself up onto the roof suddenly. "So I had to settle for this painting of a soup can instead. It's modern art, so basically a joke in itself…"

He trailed off when he saw Batman, who staring at him in horror. "What…is he doing with you?" Batman asked. "Selina, tell me this isn't what you meant by saying you've moved on with your life."

"What, you think I would…no!" cried Catwoman, disgusted. "Oh God, no!"

"Yeah, that's right, Bats!" chuckled Joker, draping an arm around Catwoman. "Me and kitty are quite the item! Now I know you're probably jealous, but I'll always have a special place in my heart for you…"

"Very funny, Joker," interrupted Batman. "Now just hand over the paintings and I'll try not to hurt you too badly."

"Aw, but the game's no fun unless someone gets hurt!" chuckled Joker. "I'll tell ya what, Batsy, you can have the soup can."

Batman held out his hand expectantly. And Joker reached into his pocket and pulled out an actual can of soup, which he flung at Batman. It hit him squarely in the face and he reeled back.

"Run for it, Kitty!" shouted Joker, grabbing her arm and jumping off the roof.

"J, what the hell are you doing?!" shrieked Catwoman, as the ground came up fast.

"Don't worry – a cat always lands on its feet!" he chuckled. Catwoman squeezed her eyes shut, as she collided with what she thought was the ground…but which turned out to be an air mattress painted to look like the street.

"Thought I might need a quick escape route, so I set this up earlier," explained Joker, dragging her after him into his waiting car. He climbed into the driver's seat and looked expectantly at her.

"What the hell are you waiting for?!" shrieked Catwoman. "Drive!"

Joker pointed at her seatbelt. "Safety first," he said. "There might be kiddies watching."

Catwoman let out an exasperated sigh, but buckled up. "Now drive!" she shrieked.

"Is he following?" asked Joker, when they had been driving erratically for about ten minutes.

"I can't see him," replied Catwoman, looking out the back window. She let out a sigh of relief, settling back into her seat. "What now?" she asked.

He shrugged. "You hungry?" he asked. "I'm feeling a bit peckish myself. I had brought that can of soup, but Batsy stole that. And I won't get anything good to eat at home with Harley cooking."

"I guess I could use a snack," she agreed. "You know anywhere good around here?"

"Pengers place will attract the least attention," said Joker. "And it's not far."

"Oh yeah, and he does sushi, right?" asked Catwoman.

Joker made a face. "Y'know, just because cats eat raw fish don't mean you have to," he retorted. "It's disgusting."

"You ever had sushi, J?" she asked. "It might surprise you. You might like it."

"Nah, I ain't never tried it actually," replied Joker. "Harley hates fish. The sight of it makes her feel sick."

"I'll buy you some," said Catwoman. "It tastes better than you think, honestly."

Joker shrugged again. "Well, if you're paying, who am I to say no to free food?" he asked. "I ain't that crazy."

They pulled up in front of the Iceberg Lounge and entered the illegal backroom where the supervillains of Gotham City could enjoy an evening out without the risk of a police raid or a Bat attack.

"My dear Miss Kyle, what a surprise to see you with such…company," stammered the Penguin, forcing a smile as he looked from Catwoman to Joker.

"Yeah, yeah, skip it, Oswald," retorted Catwoman. "Just give us a table without further comments, or I'll break your face."

"Don't she sound just like Batsy?" chuckled Joker, pinching her cheek. "It's cute how couples start talking like each other…"

Catwoman slapped his hand away. "We're not a couple," she growled, as they sat down. "Not anymore."

"Well, I can tell Batsy was still interested," said Joker. He laughed. "I mean, his face when he thought we were together was absolutely priceless!"

"He should know I have better taste than that," growled Catwoman. Then she grinned. "Though it is kinda funny, thinking about how jealous it would make him if I really was dating his mortal enemy."

She sipped her water thoughtfully. "He just…never shows he cares," she muttered.

"Tell me about it," sighed Joker, wistfully.

"But if he thought I was with another guy he hated as much as he hates you, he'd be forced to intervene," she continued. "Which would force him to show he cares…"

"Hate is a strong word," said Joker, looking a little hurt. "I'm sure he doesn't hate me…"

"J, how would you like to pull the joke of the century on Batman?" asked Catwoman suddenly, leaning forward.

"I'm all ears, cat lady," replied Joker, grinning.

"Then here's what we're gonna do," she said, taking his hands. "We're gonna pretend we _are _a couple. We're gonna create a lot of publicity, committing crimes together, looking affectionate, until everyone, from the media to the Bat, are convinced that we're together. It'll make Batman so jealous, and annoy him so much, that he'll be forced to show me how much he cares. Then I can dump you for him, and everything can go back to normal. Only I'll have Batman wrapped around my little finger to make sure it doesn't happen again."

Joker sipped his own drink. "You think this is a good plan?" he asked, lightly. "You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure," retorted Catwoman. "What could possibly go wrong?"

Joker grinned. "Why, nothing, kitty," he murmured. "Nothing at all."


	2. Chapter 2

Harley Quinn was curled up in bed, flipping through the channels on the TV. She paused at a showing of _Star Wars_, watched a few scenes with Luke Skywalker in them, and frowned. "I dunno why Mr. J is so fond of that guy," she said, flipping channels again. "He don't sound a thing like him."

She heard the key turn in the lock and squeaked happily, flicking the TV off and snuggling under the covers, hoping Mr. J would think she was asleep and wake her up with a kiss.

Her hopes were disappointed when the overhead light suddenly flicked on. "Out," said the Joker, simply, reaching under the bed.

"Mmm, Mr. J, why are you turning the lights on at…" began Harley, but she stopped talking as the Joker pulled a suitcase out from under the bed, opened it, and began throwing stuff from her closet into it. "Mr. J?" she said, confused. "What are you doing?"

"Packing for you," he said, heading into the bathroom and returning with her makeup and toiletries, which he shoved into the suitcase. "So you can get outta here as quickly as possible."

"Oh. Uh…where am I going?" asked Harley, slowly.

"Don't know, don't care," he retorted, opening her drawers and emptying them into the suitcase too. "But you can't stay in my house any longer. It's over."

"What's over?" asked Harley, bewildered.

"Us. Our relationship. Finished. Gone. Done," he said simply, trying to close the suitcase.

"But…but…why?" stammered Harley, her confusion gradually turning to heartbreak.

"Because I've found myself a better girlfriend," he replied. "Hotter, smarter, more competent, that kinda thing. It's nothing personal, Harley. I mean, if there was a more attractive man out there than me, I wouldn't blame you for upgrading. So you can't blame me for upgrading to a hotter woman, can you?"

"Who…but…but…Mr. J!" gasped Harley, tears in her eyes. "This…this is a joke, right, puddin'?" she asked, hopefully. "You're only joking about all this, huh?"

"No, I most certainly am not!" he snapped, grabbing her arm and dragging her out of bed. "Now get dressed and get outta here! You're dumped! Kitty pie's gonna get here any minute, and it'll be awkward if you're still here when she does!"

"K…Kitty pie?" repeated Harley.

"Yeah, Catwoman," he retorted.

Harley stared at him. "You're…dumping me for…Selina?" she stammered.

"Like I said, don't take it personally," he said. "It's just an upgrade. Being the hottest supervillain around, I deserve the hottest of the Gotham City Sirens, and that's Selina."

"I…I don't think she's hotter than me…" began Harley.

"Oh, c'mon, Harley!" he interrupted. "Have you seen her in that tight catsuit?!"

"I…wear a tight catsuit too…" stammered Harley.

"Yep, and she fills hers a lot better," he said, nodding. "Her melons barely fit into hers. Look at your melons!" he said, gesturing to her chest. "It's a no boner…uh…brainer!"

Harley stared down at her chest, tears burning her eyes. "But…but we've been together a lotta years, puddin'…"

"Yeah, so time for a change, doncha think?" he asked, steering her out of the bedroom. "Wouldn't want me to get bored, would ya? You'll be fine, Harl – you're not Catwoman, but you'll probably land on your feet anyway. I'm sure someone will take you in. Well, see you around," he said, handing her the suitcase and shoving her out the front door. "If you need anything, call me, but I probably won't pick up the phone."

He shut the door in her face. Then he began cackling to himself, heading back into the bedroom. "Let the catfight begin!" he giggled.

…

Harley stared dumbly at the closed door, trying to process what had just happened. Tears gathered in her eyes, but she wiped them away, opening up her suitcase and throwing on her coat over her skimpy nightgown. "I…I wonder where I'm gonna go," she said to herself, trying to focus on practical things rather than the agony as her heart tore itself into a million pieces. "I guess I could go to Red's…but she and…Selina are friends…it might be awkward…if she visits…"

She shut her eyes tightly, trying to block out the vision of Catwoman and the Joker together. "I…I guess it's good that he's happy even if I…"

She choked on a sob. She was sure she would be furious at him later, but right now pain and despair consumed her. "I…I can't break down here, in the middle of the street," she said, firmly. "Get ahold of yourself, Harl, and try to think of someone besides Red who cares about you, who's a good friend, someone who's always been patient and sympathetic and understanding…"

And then the answer came to her in a flash. "Johnny," she said, resolutely, gathering up her suitcase and disappearing into the night.

…

"Jonathan, your bird has eaten my lab mice again!" shouted Jervis Tetch, storming into Jonathan Crane's study.

"She can't help her nature, Jervis," retorted Crane, stroking his pet raven Lenore gently as she cooed happily. "Perhaps you should learn to lock the mice cage."

"I did!" he snapped. "She figured out how to unlock it!"

"Well, she's a very clever bird," agreed Crane, smiling at Lenore.

"Then maybe she can be trained not to eat my experiments," retorted Tetch. "I wouldn't mind normally, but the equipment I'm using to mind control them is very expensive, and I can't keep replacing it every time I need a new batch of mice! Since I'm allowing you to stay in my home while you're on the run from authorities, it's really the least you can do."

"Yes, all right," sighed Crane. "No more mice snacks, my beauty," he said, holding up a warning finger to the bird. "We'll buy you some frozen mice from the pet store if you're feeling hungry for rodents. Or just let you attack Batman."

Lenore chirped happily. "I _am _sorry, Jervis, and of course I'll pay to replace the mice and the equipment," he said, continuing to pet Lenore.

"No, no, that's not necessary," sighed Tetch. "As long as I have your word she won't do it again, that's good enough for me."

A knock came on the front door suddenly. "Are you expecting company?" asked Crane.

"No," said Tetch, slowly. "I wonder who it could be."

He went over to the door and glanced through the peephole. "It's…Harley Quinn," he said, puzzled.

"Harley?" repeated Crane. "What can she want at this time of night?"

He opened the door, and Harley immediately threw herself into his arms, sobbing onto his shoulder. "Oh, Johnny!" she cried. "He's dumped me!"

"Ah…I…see," stammered Crane, as he patted her awkwardly on the back. While ordinarily he would have liked nothing better than for Harley to be hugging him (his feelings for her had long been of a tender nature), her situation made her vulnerable, and he didn't want to do anything that could be misconstrued as him taking advantage of it. Although Harley seemed utterly distraught and past caring at this point, Crane was nothing if not a gentleman.

"Well, come in, my dear, out of the cold," he said, leading her inside. "You must be froz…oh…goodness," he stammered, noticing that her legs were bare under her coat.

"Mr…J kicked me out before I could get dressed," she whispered. "Sorry…"

"No, don't apologize," he said, hastily. "Just come sit over here by the fire, that's right."

"I'll make a nice pot of tea," said Tetch, rushing off to the kitchen.

Lenore fluttered over to perch on Harley's shoulder, nuzzling her cheek. "Hey, birdie," she said, smiling at her. "I'm really sorry to just turn up like this, Johnny, but I knew you'd probably be staying with Jervis, and I didn't know where else to go. It was all so sudden…"

"I understood you usually turn to Poison Ivy in these situations," said Crane, handing her a blanket to wrap around her legs. "Not that I'm complaining…"

"Oh yeah, well…see, Mr. J's dumped me for Catwoman," murmured Harley. "And Red and Selina are friends, so it would've been kinda awkward to stay with her in case Selina showed up."

Crane stared at her. "The Joker is now dating…Catwoman?" he asked.

"Apparently so," agreed Harley. "He just came home and told me outta a clear blue sky. I guess it was kinda a sudden thing. And I can't really blame Selina – Mr. J's a completely irresistible guy."

"What could possibly possess Catwoman to…" began Crane. "I mean…of course it must be devastating for you, my dear, but Catwoman always seemed so enthralled by Batman. The idea that she'd want a man who's the polar opposite of him seems…utterly nonsensical."

"What's nonsensical?" asked Tetch, entering the room carrying a tea tray.

Crane explained the situation as Tetch poured a cup of tea and handed it to Harley. "Milk and sugar, my dear?" he asked.

"Yeah, dump it all in," agreed Harley. "Maybe something a little stronger too, if ya got any of that around here. Ain't alcohol supposed to help with heartbreak?"

"Um…possibly, but I don't keep liquor in my home," said Tetch. "I can go purchase some…"

"Nah, never mind," sighed Harley. "I don't think it'll really help. I don't think anything will."

Tears filled her eyes again, and she wiped them away hurriedly. "Sorry, I…don't wanna break down in front of you guys but…I just miss him so much!" she sobbed, bursting into tears again. "And I don't know what I've done to be replaced with Catwoman! Mr. J…Mr. J said she was hotter than me, and I can't fix that! I dunno how I'm ever gonna get him back! But I gotta get him back, or I'll just die!"

She buried her face in her hands, sobbing loudly. Lenore tried nuzzling her some more, but it didn't seem to help. Crane and Tetch shared a look. "Of course you're welcome to stay here as long as you need…" began Crane, but Tetch cleared his throat loudly, standing up.

"We'll just leave you to have a little cry, my dear, while we have a quick word," he said, patting her on the shoulder. "Come along, Jonathan."

"You don't mean to tell me you are actually going to ignore a damsel in distress?" hissed Crane when they were out of earshot.

"Jonathan, Lord knows I sympathize with Harley," muttered Tetch. "But my home is not some squatting ground for all the supercriminals of Gotham! If either of you were found here, I'd be locked back up in Arkham with the rest of you! I make an exception for you, being my best friend, but I don't want Harley here attracting unnecessary attention! And she will – you know she will! How long before the Joker comes storming over demanding that she come back? There will be a fight, a scene, police…"

"Weren't you listening?" demanded Crane. "The Joker's dumped her for Catwoman! He's hardly likely to come demanding her back, is he?"

"Jonathan, you know what those two are like!" hissed Tetch. "This is probably all some big joke…"

"Harley certainly doesn't consider it a joke, does she?" demanded Crane, gesturing at her sobbing form.

Tetch sighed. "She can stay," he muttered. "But if there is the slightest chance of a scene, she's gone. And I know nothing about her being here, by the way."

"Thank you, Jervis," said Crane. "I'll buy you as many lab mice as you want."

He came back over to Harley. "My dear, why don't you head off to bed?" he asked. "It's late, and you're tired. Things will look better in the morning, I promise."

"I don't think they will, Johnny," she whispered, wiping her eyes. "Not without Mr. J."

"Well, perhaps he'll change his mind soon," said Crane soothingly, leading her down the hall to the spare bedroom. "Now you have my room – I'll be quite comfortable on the couch. And Lenore will watch over you to make sure nobody disturbs you," he said, as the bird flew onto her perch. "Sometimes it's quite a comfort just to have another heartbeat in the room with you."

Harley nodded. "Thanks, Johnny," she whispered. "I dunno how to thank you."

She hugged him tightly. "Goodnight," she whispered, shutting the door.

He returned to the living room, lost in thought, as Tetch poured him a cup of tea. "You realize of course you can't possibly declare yourself," said Tetch bluntly, handing it to him. "She's in such a vulnerable state…"

"My dear Jervis, I had no intention of declaring myself," interrupted Crane, annoyed. "The poor child needs a friend now, not another self-seeking suitor. She had enough of that with the Joker."

He sat down, and then reached for the phone. "Who are you calling?" asked Tetch.

"Poison Ivy," he said. "I wonder if she knows about Joker and Catwoman. And I'm sure she'll have a few choice words to say on the subject once she does..."


	3. Chapter 3

The telephone rang, and Selina Kyle turned off her TV and went to go answer it. "Hello?"

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?!" shrieked a voice she knew well. Selina cringed, holding the phone away from her ear.

"Ivy? What the hell are you screaming about?" she demanded.

"YOU AND THE CLOWN?! ARE YOU INSANE?! HE'S THE MOST DISGUSTING PIECE OF HUMANITY WHO EVER CRAWLED THE EARTH, AND NO SELF-RESPECTING WOMAN COULD EVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM! SO HAVE YOU SUDDENLY LOST ALL SELF-RESPECT, OR ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?!"

"Calm down, Ivy, it's just a joke!" snapped Selina.

"Oh, really?!" demanded Ivy. "Does J know that?!"

"Of course he does! We discussed it…"

"Because he's kicked Harley out!" continued Ivy. "Told her he's dumped her for you! So maybe he's got the wrong impression about this so-called joke, or maybe you just can't admit to me that you're sleeping with the enemy! The man goes against everything we believe in, Selina! I know you've been with slime before, but this is low, even for you!"

"What do you mean 'even for me'?!" snapped Selina. "Pot to the kettle, Ivy!" Then the realization of what she had said struck her. "Wait, J's done what?" she asked.

"Dumped Harley!" snapped Ivy. "Johnny Crane called to say she showed up on his doorstep completely distraught because the Joker dumped her for you! So I guess J doesn't think it's a joke!"

"But we're not actually…oh, that moron!" hissed Selina. "Don't worry, Ivy, I'll sort this out."

"You'd better! Or I'm gonna come kill one or both of you!" shrieked Ivy, slamming down the phone.

Selina sighed, dialling another number. "Stupid…idiotic…goddamn…clown!" she hissed, as the phone rang.

"Oh, hello, honey kitten!" chuckled a voice on the other end. "What a pleasant surprise! I missed hearing your voice, kitty pie…"

"J, what's all this I hear about you kicking out Harley?" demanded Selina. "You do understand we're not really a couple, right? This is a joke! I am not actually your girlfriend now!"

"Of course, pussy poo!" cooed Joker. "But it wouldn't be a very good joke if we didn't go for authenticity! How's Bats supposed to believe we're an item if Harley's still hanging around me? He's the World's Greatest Detective, y'know – if you wanna trick him, you gotta make it all look real."

"Ok, but Harley doesn't seem to understand that this is a joke," retorted Selina. "You didn't tell her?"

Joker was silent. "Y'know, in the heat of the moment, it must have slipped my mind," he said, casually.

"J, you have to tell her!" shouted Selina. "She's gonna be utterly heartbroken, not to mention furious!"

"Don't tell me you're scared of her, pussykins?" chuckled Joker. "Surely a big, strong panther like yourself can handle a dopey little clown girl like her?"

"I _can _handle her, but I don't want to fight her!" retorted Selina. "She's my friend! Or she was, before this. If you don't explain things to her, I will."

"Ok, kitty witty, you do that," agreed Joker. "I'm sure she'll be really pleased to see you, and really willing to listen to what you have to say calmly and without complaint. And I'm sure she'll believe you too. Harley's got such a rational mind after all, especially when it involves me."

Selina sighed. "Look, after this is all done, you're gonna take her back, right? And you'll explain everything to her then?"

"Of course, pussy poo," agreed Joker.

"Then I guess I can let her stay mad and heartbroken for a little while," muttered Selina. "Might do her some good, actually. It might make her realize what kinda scum you actually are."

"Oooh, I love it when you talk dirty, pussykins!" chuckled Joker.

"What did I say about pussy jokes?" demanded Selina.

"Sorry, kitty pie," replied Joker. "But I have to have some affectionate nicknames for you. All for the sake of authenticity, of course. And you know Batsy might be listening in right now – paranoid guy like him probably has the phones bugged. I think addressing each other with affectionate nicknames is the only sensible course."

"You're really getting off on this joke, aren't you?" growled Selina. "But for the last time, it _is _just a joke, J. So just get that through your thick skull."

"Just a joke, yes, kitty witty. Nothing more serious to me than that," replied Joker, giggling. "We should plan our next date, though. Maybe somewhere a bit more public than the Iceberg Lounge. Someplace that'll really get people talking."

Selina thought for a moment. She was very eager to get this whole thing over with as quickly as possible, so she could have Batman, and things could go back to normal between her and Harley. Also so she would never have to deal with the Joker as a casual acquaintance ever again. And the quickest way to make Batman jealous was to go show him her and the Joker together. But it was a bit difficult to predict where Batman was going to be at any given time, unless a crime was in progress. Not so difficult to predict where Bruce Wayne was going to be, though.

Selina smiled to herself. The Joker didn't know Batman's secret identity, and she intended to keep it that way. But there was no reason why she couldn't flaunt her and Joker's relationship at Bruce Wayne, just to see how he'd react, and maybe speed things along. There was a restaurant he was very fond of taking his dates to, and he was bound to be there with someone on a Saturday night, if only for the sake of appearances.

"Do you know the revolving restaurant at the top of Dini Towers?" she asked.

"Know it? I did two hold-ups there last year! Called it dinner theatre – I did a comedy routine while Harl and the boys collected everyones' valuables! Fun and financially rewarding at the same time."

"Yeah, well, I'll book us a table there for Saturday night. The crème de la crème of society hang out there. Our appearance together is sure to get some tongues wagging."

"Ooh, sounds like fun!" agreed Joker. "See you then, honey kitten!"

Selina hung up the phone, smiling to herself. "All right, Bruce," she murmured. "Time to let the Bat see what he's missing out on."


	4. Chapter 4

"I'll ask you again, Jonathan – do you really think taking Harley out on a date this soon after her break-up is a wise idea?" asked Jervis Tetch slowly.

"It's not a date!" snapped Jonathan Crane, adjusting his tie in the mirror. "We're just friends. Do people call it a date when you and I go out to dinner, Jervis?"

"Some people do," replied Tetch, nodding. "It would certainly give that impression if we were both dressed up and eating somewhere nice…"

"I'd hardly call the Iceberg Lounge nice," retorted Crane. "I know Oswald's dream is to cater to the height of respectability, but it's certainly not a hotspot for the social elite."

He turned away from the mirror, sighing. "I'm simply trying to give the girl a pleasant evening. Get her mind off the brute – let her feel special and important and beautiful again. Distract her from her woes."

"And that's your only motivation, is it?" asked Tetch.

"Yes, of course," retorted Crane. "Are you implying something else?"

Tetch sighed. "Jonathan, I've been there," he murmured. "I know exactly what you're going through, believe me. Before they were married, Alice and Billy had this big fight, and I thought the least I could do was take the girl out for a nice meal. And it was…so very nice. But it just made the pain when she reconciled with her boyfriend even worse. Because now I knew what I was missing. I knew what kind of life I would never have with her. And you can't seriously hope after all this time, after all their petty little fights and break-ups, that this time Harley and the clown are through for good…"

"Why not?" demanded Crane. "If he's happy with Catwoman now, I don't see any reason why he'd ever want Harley back. Even if she dumped him, which any woman in her right mind is sure to do, he wouldn't demean himself by begging Harley to come back. And I hope the girl would have more pride than that if he did."

"Does she, though?" asked Tetch, gently. "Believe me, Jonathan, I know how happy it is to lose yourself in a Wonderland where you and the girl you love are together forever. But the pain when you return from that Wonderland makes the whole thing almost a greater agony than just resigning yourself to reality…"

"Listen to me, Jervis," snapped Crane. "I am _not _you, do you understand that?! I'm not resigned to the fate of being alone forever, as you seem to be!"

"I'm not resigned to that," said Tetch, gently. "But I am resigned to the fact that the woman I love will never be mine. I will always love her, but I will never have her. In a way, that is the truest love possible. That certainly doesn't mean I'll be alone for the rest of my life – I hope I can always rely on your friendship…"

"Jervis, I won't deny that eventually I would like Harley and me to be a little more than friends," said Crane. "But I have no intention of rushing that until she's ready…"

"But can you really claim to be her friend, then?" asked Tetch, gently. "When every act of kindness is prompted, however slightly, by a more selfish motivation?"

"I'm not entering into a philosophical discussion about the nature of love right now," retorted Crane, glancing at his watch. "Harley and I have reservations for seven. I don't know what's keeping her…" he said, glancing at her bedroom door.

It opened at that moment. "Sorry to hold you up, Johnny, I was just feeding Lenore," said Harley, as the bird perched on her arm, devouring seeds from her hand. She smiled up at him, noticed his face, and frowned. "What's wrong? Can't she have seeds?"

Crane was staring at Harley in utter astonishment. She was wearing a close-fitting, shoulder-less red dress that fanned out at the bottom, with long black gloves. Her long blonde hair was loose and trailed down her shoulders. It was simply a stunning sight, but Crane found his voice at last. "Oh…yes, of course she can," he said, coming over to pet Lenore. "Harley, you look…absolutely beautiful."

She smiled. "Thanks," she murmured, looking down at her hands. "Though I don't feel very pretty since Mr. J…y'know."

Crane took her hand. "I don't want you to think about the clown anymore tonight, all right?" he asked.

Harley nodded. "I'll try not to," she murmured, tears in her eyes. "But I dunno if it'll work."

Crane took Lenore from her, and handed her to Tetch. "Put her back in her cage, please, Jervis, we're running late," he said, taking Harley's arm. "Have a good evening."

"You too," said Tetch, nodding. "Remember what we discussed."

"I will. See you soon, my pretty," said Crane, petting Lenore.

"Bye, Jervis! Bye, Lenore!" said Harley, waving at her as they left. "She's a really pretty bird," she said, as they climbed into Crane's car. "And I love that her perch is a bust of Pallas. Such a good in-joke."

Crane stared at her. "You...know Edgar Allan Poe?" he asked.

She nodded. "When I was about thirteen, I memorized _The Raven_ for school," she replied. "They told us to memorize a favorite poem, so I chose that one. I can probably still recite it."

"Oh…yes…I was twelve when I memorized it, and still know every line," said Crane, starting the car. "But I had no idea you were a fan."

"I used to read a lot when I was younger," said Harley, nodding. "Still do, only I don't have as much time for it…I mean, I _didn't _have as much time for it when I was…with Mr. J. We were always doing stuff together – routines, schemes, capers, or sometimes just…just lying in each other's arms!"

She burst into tears. "Now Harley, I thought we weren't going to talk about him," murmured Crane, handing her a handkerchief.

"Sorry," whispered Harley, wiping her eyes carefully so that she didn't smudge her makeup. "It's just everything connects back to him in my mind. He is…was…such a huge part of my life…every part of every thought just leads me to him again…"

She trailed off, tears in her eyes as she gazed out the window. "Even…even the Iceberg Lounge, where we're going," she murmured. "That was our special restaurant, where we'd go after we committed a crime. We'd drink too much wine, be rude to the Penguin, Mr. J would abuse a few waiters, and then we'd head home to make love…"

Crane coughed loudly so that she wouldn't continue. "Well, all right," he said, turning the car around. "I'm sure if there's too many painful memories associated with the Iceberg Lounge, we can go elsewhere."

"On a Saturday night?" asked Harley. "Everywhere else is probably full."

"Well, I do have a connection at the revolving restaurant in Dini Towers," said Crane, casually. "The maitre d is a former student of mine who knows better than to disappoint me. He'll find us a table."

Harley gaped at him. "Dini Towers? But that place is booked out months in advance, unless you're rich!"

"Or connected," agreed Crane, smiling slightly. "Trust me, Harley, it won't be a problem."

"But that's…so fancy!" stammered Harley. "Mr. J would never take me anyplace like…" She trailed off, and began sobbing again. Crane sighed. Although he was thrilled to be going to dinner with Harley, it was shaping up to be a long night.


	5. Chapter 5

"I tawt I taw a puddy tat!" exclaimed the Joker, as Selina Kyle strode into the lobby of Dini Towers. "I did! I did taw a puddy tat! Wow, look at you, kitty! I could just eat you up! But I guess we'll have to see what kinda direction the night takes, huh?" he chuckled, about to wrap an arm around her.

Selina batted him away. "Look, but don't touch," she snapped. "Not until I tell you to, anyway. And I don't want your hands on me any longer than necessary, so keep them to yourself for the elevator ride."

Joker shrugged, entering the elevator. She glared at him as they rode up. "You could have at least dressed up," she muttered.

"I _am _dressed up!" said Joker, offended.

"You always wear a purple suit," snapped Selina.

He pointed to his buttonhole. "New flower," he said. "Don't tell Pammie. I cut up several of her babies before I found one to match the suit."

"Well, between you and me, Ivy needs to relax," agreed Selina. "Making up these long, convoluted plots all for a buncha stupid flowers. It's insane."

"Yeah, you're not the type to make up long, convoluted plots, are ya, toots?" asked Joker, smiling as the doors to the elevator opened.

"Shut up and put your arm around my waist," snapped Selina. "And keep it there. No wandering hands."

"Aye, aye, skipper," retorted Joker, saluting with his free hand.

"May I help…" began the maitre d, but he paled when he saw the Joker.

"Selina Kyle, party of two," purred Selina, smiling at the Joker.

"Of…of course. Right this way, Miss Kyle," stammered the maitre d, showing them to a table. Selina looked around and grinned when she saw Bruce Wayne seated near them, chatting with his beautiful blonde date.

"Well, look who's here," she said, nodding at Bruce.

Joker turned and whistled. "Yeah, I think that dame's the model for those toothpaste commercials on TV. You were right, kitty – talk about rich and famous!"

"Uh…no, her date," said Selina, pointing. "It's Bruce Wayne. He's an ex-boyfriend of mine."

"Along with half of Gotham, apparently," said Joker, nodding. "You do get around, kitty, if you don't mind my saying."

"You wanna go make him a little jealous?" asked Selina, ignoring him.

"I live to irritate, toots!" chuckled Joker, as they headed over to Bruce's table.

"Why, if isn't Bruce Wayne!" exclaimed Selina, in mock surprise. Bruce glanced up, and a look of horror passed over his face as he saw Selina with the Joker. He had plenty of experience masking his emotions, however, so he forced a smile and stood up.

"Selina Kyle, lovely to see you again," he said. "Won't you introduce me to your date?"

"Is that really necessary?" chuckled Joker. "I'm probably a bigger celebrity than you, Brucie! Certainly more recognizable! Got a face you can't forget!"

"Handsome face, though, huh?" purred Selina, running a finger down Joker's cheek and smiling.

"How long…uh…have you two been an item?" asked Bruce, his smile looking distinctly forced.

"Oh, short enough for it to still be interesting," cooed Selina, playing with Joker's bowtie. "We're still in that honeymoon stage where it's difficult to keep our hands off each other."

"Our hands and any other part of our bodies!" chuckled Joker, slapping Selina on the bottom. "She's on me like a tiger every chance she gets! We'll probably have to excuse ourselves during dinner to have a quickie in the bathroom!"

"No…we won't be doing that," said Selina, her own loving smile looking forced too. "But we sure are having a lotta fun together, aren't we, J?"

"Yeah, I dunno why you let this little kitten get away, Brucie!" chuckled Joker. "She is one beautiful, fantastic, hot, tight puss…" He gasped in pain as Selina put her heel down on his foot.

"Darling, what did we say about those kinds of jokes?" she asked, smiling dangerously at him.

"That you only wanna hear them in the bedroom," said Joker, nodding. "You must have loved her dirty talk too, huh, Brucie? You should hear her begging me for the Big J – that's what I call my…"

"Don't finish that sentence," interrupted Selina, hastily. "Darling," she added.

"Well, it's…uh…great that you're happy, Selina," said Bruce, slowly. "Allow me to introduce my date…"

"C'mon, sweetheart, let's see those pearly whites!" said Joker, ignoring her offered hand and forcing open her mouth instead. He whistled again, studying her teeth. "Well, whaddya know? They're real! I thought they were probably airbrushed or something, but I guess that toothpaste really works! Might have to switch brands…"

"Yeah…uh…stop touching her," muttered Bruce, shoving him away. He cleared his throat. "Well, good to see you again, Selina, but why don't you go enjoy your dinner and leave us to enjoy ours?"

"Sure thing, Bruce," agreed Selina. "Come on, darling," she said, pulling Joker back to their table.

"Speaking of the Big J, I meant to ask, does Batsy have a name for his?" asked Joker, as they sat back down. "It's the Batsignal, isn't it? Tell me it's the Batsignal! If it's not, you need to start calling it that when you get back together…"

"You know, for a supposedly straight man with a girlfriend, you spend far too much time thinking about Batman's sex life," interrupted Selina, downing her glass of champagne. She sighed, glaring over at Bruce, who seemed completely absorbed by his date.

"This isn't working," she muttered. "We need to turn up the heat."

"What, you want me to cop a feel?" asked Joker. "Or try to get past second base, maybe?"

"No, we don't need to try anything that drastic yet," said Selina. She took a deep breath. "Just…kiss me."

"No problemo, kitty pie!" chuckled Joker, leaning forward.

"Wait, I need to make sure he's looking," said Selina. She picked up her fork and threw it at Bruce. It hit him in the back of the head, and he whirled around angrily. And that's when Selina grabbed Joker by the lapels and shoved her mouth into his.

And that's when the elevator doors opened and Jonathan Crane entered the restaurant with Harley Quinn on his arm.

Nobody noticed each other at first. Crane approached the maitre d and said, "Good evening, Mr. Carlson. Still serving tables for a living, I see. Well, I suppose that's one of the few professions fit for college dropouts."

The maitre d recognized him, and he grew even more horrified than when he had seen the Joker. "P…Professor Crane!" he stammered. "What…what are you doing here?"

"I'm hoping to dine here tonight," said Crane, calmly. "I need a table for two for me and my lady friend. You can arrange that for me, can't you, Mr. Carlson? Or will you fail at that too?"

"Uh…no, Professor Crane, sir," stammered the maitre d. "Right…right this way."

"You see, Harley, I told you he'd be obliging," said Crane, smiling at her, but his face fell in horror as he looked past her and saw the Joker passionately kissing Selina Kyle.

"What is it…" began Harley, about to turn and look.

"Goodness, just look at the view from up here, my dear!" cried Crane, grabbing her hand and dragging her toward the window before she could see. "You can see all of Gotham! Can we have a table here by the window, Mr. Carlson, so we can enjoy this view, please?" he demanded.

"Er…yes, sir, Professor Crane, sir," stammered the maitre d. He dragged the table over and pulled out chairs for them. Crane made sure they sat so that Harley's back was to the Joker and Selina, but Crane could keep an eye on them.

The Joker drew away from Selina, opening his eyes. "Why, honey kitten, I guess it is true that cats' tongues are rough…" he began, but he suddenly noticed Crane at that moment, seated opposite a woman who even from behind, he recognized as Harley Quinn. His eyes narrowed, but Crane looked down at his menu and pretended not to notice him. "What the hell…" Joker muttered.

"Oh, I think it's worked, J," breathed Selina. She had her eyes fixed on Bruce, whose jaw was tight and whose hands were shaking in rage. "C'mere, let's do it again…"

"Hang on a second, cat lady," snapped Joker, shoving her away. He kept glaring at Crane, who continued to ignore him, chatting with Harley now.

"J, while we've got his attention, please!" hissed Selina.

"Look, just get your paws offa me, huh?" snapped Joker, shoving her more violently. He was trying to concentrate on watching Crane and Harley, who had just ordered a bottle of wine.

"What the hell's the matter with you?" hissed Selina. "If you don't play along, J, this whole scheme is gonna be ruined!"

"What scheme?" demanded Joker. "Batsy ain't here, so we ain't making him jealous! Your high society crowd has seen us together, so that'll be enough for the papers! I've done my bit, kitty! Just get lost now, would ya?"

"J, you don't understand!" growled Selina. "We have to keep this act up until Bruce leaves…"

But at that moment, Bruce Wayne stood up, and muttered something to his date, who nodded. They both headed for the door. Bruce glanced back once at Selina, glared from her to the Joker, and then left.

Selina let out a sigh of relief. "Ok, now I'll get lost," she muttered, standing up. "And by the way, I don't know what Harley sees in you. Your tongue is like a washing machine."

"Yeah, and yours is like a slug," snapped Joker. "You'd think with all the practice you've had, you'd be a better kisser. Don't you ever ask for any client feedback?"

"Screw you, jerk!" cried Selina, slapping him across the face.

"Gee, someone is not happy…" began Harley, about to turn around at the commotion. Crane, desperate to create some sort of distraction, suddenly tripped the waiter passing them, causing him to fall to the ground and dishes to shatter everywhere.

It certainly recaptured Harley's attention, as she stood up to help him gather up the dishes. Crane helped too, glancing up at the Joker, who just sat there watching them, sipping his drink and glaring at them over the rim of his glass.

"That's why I could never be a waiter," said Harley, as they sat back down after he had gone. "I'm too clumsy. Mr. J was always saying what a klutz I am…"

She trailed off, picking up her wine glass and draining it. "We should probably order some more, huh?" she asked, glancing at the half empty bottle.

"Uh…I'm not sure drinking is the best idea in your current frame of mind…" began Crane, slowly.

"Hey, it's meant to help," she said, shrugging. "I'll try anything that's meant to help."

Crane nodded, pouring her another glass. She drank it slowly, staring down at her plate. Crane looked up in apprehension at the Joker, who still hadn't moved, but whose eyes were fixated on him in burning fury.

"You think I should get a boob job?" asked Harley, suddenly.

"Uh…sorry…what?" stammered Crane, turning his attention back to her.

Harley finished her second glass, still staring down at her chest. "Mr. J…said Selina had bigger boobs than me. That made her hotter than me. You think…he'd want me back if I got a boob job?"

"Oh…" stammered Crane. "Oh…no, good Lord, no, I don't think…"

"You don't think he'd take me back?" asked Harley, tearfully.

"No, I don't think…you should change anything about yourself," said Crane, sincerely. "You're utterly perfect just the way you are."

She smiled at him. "You're sweet, Johnny," she murmured. "Why couldn't I have fallen for a nice guy like you?" she sighed, reaching for the wine bottle again.

"My dear, are you sure it's wise…" began Crane.

"I'm a big girl," she interrupted, filling her glass again. "I can take care of myself."

Crane knew better than to argue with her. But as he watched her get steadily more intoxicated and less coherent as the night wore on, he wondered if he shouldn't have been more insistent on her not drinking. Especially with the Joker watching their every movement. At last, Crane decided he had better take Harley home. He felt the Joker's eyes following them as they left the restaurant and headed into the elevator.

"I just want him back, Johnny," whispered Harley. She was leaning heavily against him, tears in her eyes. "I just want him back," she whispered.

"I know, my dear," he said, patting her hand. "And perhaps you'll be reunited sooner than you think."

"I hope so," she murmured. "Though I should really kick the crap outta him for what he's put me through."

Crane said nothing as the elevator opened and they headed into the parking garage. "I mean, why does he think it's ok to treat me like that?" whispered Harley. "And why do I put up with it? I must be outta my mind, Johnny."

"Well, we are all...considered clinically insane…" said Crane, slowly.

"Yeah, but you'd never treat a girl like that, would ya, Johnny?" asked Harley. "You'd never say you love her and stay with her for years, and then one night come home and dump her outta the blue like that, would ya? I mean, who does that? What the hell is wrong with him?"

"I believe there's quite a list…" began Crane.

"I dunno why I'm missing him like I do, when he treats me like that," continued Harley. "Clearly I'm better off without him. You know, I ain't so bad a gal, Johnny. I deserve a guy who'll respect me, who'll treat me right, like a woman, y'know."

"Yes, I know," agreed Crane. "Into the car, hmm?"

"Like a woman," she repeated, louder. "Not like some doll you throw away when you get bored of playing with it. Not like some stupid…joke! But that's all he ever cares about, his stupid jokes! If you knew half the things I did for his stupid jokes, Johnny! All to make him happy and see him smile! God, I'm pathetic!"

"No, you're not, my dear," said Crane, soothingly. "You're an angel among women. But we can discuss this at home…"

He tried to push her gently into the car, but she caught his arm. "You really think that, Johnny?" she breathed, gazing up at him. "You think I'm an angel among women?"

"I…yes…yes, of course I do," he stammered. "I…have for a long time…"

"Do you…love me?" she whispered.

He stared back into her hopeful blue eyes. "Yes," he whispered. "Yes, I do."

She beamed. And then she tenderly pressed her lips against his, kissing him gently.

Crane was utterly unable to respond. He couldn't believe this was actually happening, for a start, and he suspected it was only happening because Harley had been drinking. And he certainly wasn't going to take advantage of the girl, but nor, he resolved, was he going to waste this kiss. He cupped her face in his hands, softly pressing his mouth in deeper. Harley had her arms wrapped firmly around his neck, and pulled him tighter against her.

The blissful moment was interrupted by a low, unpleasant voice muttering, "Hands off my property, nerd."

The Joker stepped out from the shadows of the parking garage, looking furious. Crane was about to respond when Harley stepped forward. "What did you call me?" she whispered.

"My property," repeated Joker. "Because that's what you are, toots! And that's what you'll always be!"

"Yeah?" whispered Harley, approaching him with a smile on her face. And then she punched him hard across the jaw.

"News flash, jerk!" she shrieked, punching him again. "You dumped me! I ain't your property, I never was your property, and I never will be your property, so get that through your thick skull! I can kiss Johnny if I wanna! I'm a single woman now, thanks to you! And he's a single man! And we can do whatever we wanna together, you dumb clown!"

She had been beating him mercilessly all this time, and now kicked him into the wall. The Joker hadn't been expecting any kind of attack, certainly not one so violent, and lay winded against the wall as Harley came over to him. "And now Johnny and me are gonna go home and make love," she hissed. "He thinks I'm beautiful! He wouldn't dump me for some catty bitch! And he likes my melons just the way they are!"

She slapped him once more for good measure, turned around, and stormed into the car. "Drive, Johnny," she said, folding her arms across her chest.

Crane had been staring at the scene in shock, and merely nodded in obedience, starting the engine and driving off. They rode in silence for a little while until Crane cleared his throat. "Um…Harley…what you said to the Joker…uh…did you mean that?"

"What, about not being his property?" asked Harley. "Sure I meant it."

"No, the…uh…part about us…going home to make love," he stammered.

"Oh. Don't you wanna make love, Johnny?" asked Harley, gazing at him. "Don't you think I'm attractive?"

"Oh yes," gasped Crane. "Oh, good Lord, yes, you have no idea how much I..." He trailed off. "But…you've drunk quite a lot, my dear, and you're in quite a vulnerable state, and…I just wouldn't feel right…doing that kind of thing now. Why don't we see how you feel in the morning?"

Harley shrugged. "Ok. I'm kinda tired anyway," she said, yawning. "Punching a guy out really takes it outta ya."

She curled up in the front seat, and was sound asleep by the time they arrived back. Crane carried her gently inside, taking care not to wake her up. He laid her down in her bed, covered her up, and left a glass of water by her bedside. "She'll probably need more than a glass, though," he muttered at Lenore, who chirped softly. "I certainly don't envy her her hangover. I mean, she must be beyond inebriated to even have considered…"

He trailed off, gazing longingly at Harley's sleeping form, and then left the room, shutting the door behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

"How was dinner?" asked Tetch, looking up from his paper as Crane entered the dining room the next morning.

"I don't want to talk about it," he muttered.

"Oh dear," said Tetch lightly, flipping a page in the newspaper. "I was so hoping it wasn't a case of 'you were right, Jervis,' 'I'm so sorry for doubting you, Jervis…'"

"She kissed me, Jervis," interrupted Crane. "She drank too much, and she kissed me, and she beat up the Joker, and she suggested that we come back here and make love."

Tetch stared at him. "You didn't, did you?" he murmured.

"No, of course I didn't!" snapped Crane. "I couldn't live with myself if I'd taken advantage of the girl like that!"

"Quite right, too," agreed Tetch. "But I can certainly imagine how tempting the situation must have been."

"As…unbelievably tempting as the idea was, I just thought of her face when she woke up next to me in bed and realized…I wasn't the man she wanted to be there," murmured Crane. "The slow horror, the gradual realization that she'd made a terrible mistake, the consuming guilt…I just couldn't have put her through it, Jervis."

Tetch nodded. "Do you think she'll remember anything about it?" he asked.

They both heard Harley's door slam at that moment. "I suppose we'll find out," sighed Crane.

"Holy guacamole!" cried Harley, stumbling into the room in her bathrobe and clutching her forehead. "Ya got any painkillers, Jervis? I feel like there's someone banging a gong inside my skull!"

"Yes, just a moment, my dear," said Tetch, standing up to get her some pills and a glass of water, which she eagerly swallowed.

"Jesus, I must have gone to town on the alcohol last night," she muttered, sinking into a chair and burying her face in her hands. "Why didn't you stop me, Johnny?"

"I tried," replied Crane. "You weren't listening to reason."

"That sounds like me," agreed Harley. "I'm such an idiot sometimes."

She sighed heavily, looking up at him. "I didn't do anything stupid last night, though, did I?"

Crane shook his head slowly. "No, my dear," he said. "No, you didn't."

"Well, that's a relief," said Harley. "I had this horrible dream that I beat up Mr. J."

The doorbell rang at that moment. "I'll get it," said Tetch. He opened the door, and his face froze in horror. "Oh, not you…" he murmured.

"Yeah, good morning to you too, Hatty!" snapped the Joker, shoving his way past him. He was limping slightly, leaning heavily on his cane, and his face was purple from cuts and bruises. "Harley and her paramour up yet?"

"Mr…J?" stammered Harley, standing up as he entered the room. Her face was a mixture of concern and confusion. "What happened to you? You look worse than that time Bats and Superman beat you up together!"

Joker glared at her, but didn't respond. "Here," he snapped, shoving a bottle of bleach at her. "I brought you something to wash the nerd germs off with. Be sure to use it inside and out." He winced in pain. "And then come home."

"Nerd…germs?" repeated Harley, puzzled. "What are you talking about?"

"The Professor here," said Joker, nodding at Crane. "You and he did the dirty last night, right? That's what you said you were gonna do."

Harley stared at him in shock. "Oh…no, puddin', no, we…we didn't." She turned to Crane. "We didn't, huh, Johnny?" she asked, hopeful and pleading.

He shook his head. "We didn't," he assured her. "You fell asleep in the car and I put you straight to bed. Nothing happened."

Joker snorted. "Right, like I believe that. Even if Harley wasn't awake for it, I imagine you at least felt around a little…"

"Don't judge me by your own disgusting standards!" snapped Crane, angrily. "I only lay a hand on her to carry her to bed! I wouldn't dream of doing anything to her without her knowledge or against her will, even if you would, you sick monster!"

"No, Mr. J wouldn't do that," snapped Harley, rounding on the Joker again. "He ain't interested in me even when I'm awake! That's why he dumped me for Selina! Well, maybe I've had enough of your crap, Mr. J! Maybe I should be with a nice guy like Johnny after all!" she said, taking Crane's arm.

Joker drew in a deep breath. "Harley, you've had your fun," he muttered. "But it's time to come home now, huh?"

"What about Selina?" demanded Harley.

"Oh, for God's sake, the whole thing was just a joke!" snapped Joker. "She wanted to make Batsy jealous by pretending we were a couple, and I thought it'd be a laugh riot to go along with it! But it ain't a laugh riot! The joke ain't funny anymore! So just stop all this nonsense and come home now!"

Harley studied him in silence. "Why didn't you tell me it was a joke?" she muttered.

"Because I thought it would be funnier not to! I thought you were gonna get angry and fight Catwoman for me, not just instantly move on with some nerd! I thought you loved me, for God's sake!"

"You thought my pain and rage and jealousy would be funny?" demanded Harley. "You were willing to break my heart just for some stupid joke?"

"Yeah!" exclaimed the Joker. "And I'd do it again! Because I thought you loved it, you dumb blonde! I thought you loved _me_! And that's what I do! I make jokes! And sometimes you're the punchline to 'em, but I always thought you liked that, because it made you feel like you were special to me! And you _are _special to me, Harley! I can't play with anyone else the way I do you! No one else would let me!"

"You mean no one else would put up with you?" demanded Harley. "The way I do, like some pathetic little doormat, just waiting around for you to change your mind and take me back to walk all over me again! Well, I am sick of being a doormat, Mr. J! And I'm sick of being the poor, pathetic punchline to your selfish jokes! I ain't coming home with you until you learn to act like a gentleman, just like Johnny here," she said, nodding at him. "That's the kinda guy I want now – a nice, sweet, caring gentleman, not some egotistical, self-centered creep! If you can prove to me that you can change your behavior for me, then I'll believe that you love me, and I'll come back. If you can't, then it will prove to me that you don't really care, and I'm gonna try to move on with my life. It's your choice, Mr. J."

The Joker was livid. "You want _me_ to be more like…him?" he hissed, throwing a finger at Crane. "Batman's nerdiest enemy…"

"I would contest that Edward Nygma is Batman nerdiest enemy," spoke up Tetch.

"Yeah, I'll agree with that, Hatty," said Joker, nodding. "All right, Batman second nerdiest enemy? Some spineless, nonthreatening…"

"Nice, sweet guy, yeah," finished Harley, nodding. "That don't mean you have to give up the whole supervillain thing, Mr. J, or even the whole evil thing – Johnny's still an evil supervillain, after all. But it does mean you have to start treating me with respect and kindness. Maybe not forever – maybe I won't like it, and I'll want things to go back to the way they were. But prove to me you'll at least try to change for me."

"You can't blackmail me like this!" shouted Joker. "I won't be blackmailed by the likes of you, some pathetic, dumb blonde…"

"Well, you don't look up to taking me in a fight," interrupted Harley. "So either you accept my terms, or you leave. Up to you."

Joker glared from Harley to Crane. "You keep your nerdy hands off her," he growled, threateningly. "I got her adjusted to my size down there and I don't want her shrinking."

"That's just the kind of comment ya gotta learn to cut out, Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "If you don't know how to be a decent person, I guess you'd better find someone to teach ya. But it ain't gonna be me! Or Johnny!"

Joker turned to Tetch. "Hatty?" he asked, hopefully.

"Not for all the tea in Wonderland," retorted Tetch.

"Fine, I got other friends!" snapped Joker. "Friends who know how to be nice, decent people! Can't think of any right now, but I'm sure they exist! Who needs you losers?"

He hobbled to the door. "And after I've proven to you I can be some simpering, pathetic wuss of a gentleman, and you've come back home, I'm gonna give you such a beating for this! You won't be able to move for weeks!"

He slammed the door behind him, and Harley sighed. "Y'see, Johnny?" she murmured, dreamily. "He does love me!"


	7. Chapter 7

The Joker hobbled back into his hideout, throwing his cane on the floor angrily and collapsing onto the sofa. "That stupid little brat!" he muttered. "More trouble than she's worth!"

"So why don't you just spare yourself a lotta pain and dump her?" growled a voice from the shadows.

Joker looked up and smiled as a familiar figure stepped into the light. "Batsy!" he exclaimed. "I'd get up and hug ya, but I'm kinda incapacitated at the moment…"

"Was that Harley?" asked Batman, pounding his fist into his hand. "Good. But I still owe you a beating too…"

"Look, Bats, you got it all wrong!" cried Joker. "I ain't done nothing to kitty…"

"I have it on very good authority that the two of you were kissing at Dini Towers," retorted Batman.

"It's all a joke, Bats, an act, ya gotta believe me!" said Joker. "Kitty wanted to make you jealous, so she set this whole thing up! But it's got completely outta hand, and not in the fun way my jokes usually get outta hand! Nobody dead or maimed except me, and that ain't funny at all!"

Batman lowered his fist. "It sounds like something she'd do," he said, nodding slowly. "But it's a really extreme length to go to just to make me jealous."

"That's what she said!" chuckled Joker. Batman raised his fist again. "Only joking!" said Joker. "Geez, why has everyone suddenly lost their sense of humor? The cat lady, Harley, you…not that you ever had one to begin with…"

Batman lifted him up by his collar. "Listen to me," he hissed. "If you ever go near Selina again, it won't be funny, do you understand?!"

"Yeah…I'm kinda getting that impression…" gasped Joker. "She's all yours, Bats, believe me! Not my type at all! I don't like a woman who plots – I find it threatening. Harley just does what I tell her. It's gotta be flattering, though, huh, Batsy? To be the inspiration for that kinda scheming? Not as good as one of my jokes, but not bad for an amateur."

Batman said nothing, lowering him to the ground. "Anyway, anyone who goes through that kinda effort just to get your attention is clearly pretty nuts about you," continued Joker. "I mean, look at me!" he chuckled. "But seriously, I'd be flattered if I were you. And I'd take kitty back. All that effort deserves to be rewarded."

"It's not question of taking her back," growled Batman. "We never had a conversation about breaking up, to my knowledge. She just…she's so irrational sometimes!"

"Tell me about it," sighed Joker.

"And I don't understand what she wants me to do!" continued Batman. "She must know I love her! I don't know why I have to keep proving it to her! She should trust me!"

"Women never do, though," sighed Joker. "They're always wanting you to say stuff and do stuff…why can't they just be cool, like you and me, Bats? I mean, we know we're always there for each other. And we know we care about each other without either one of us having to say anything."

Batman just looked at him. "I'll just be going now…" he said, heading for the door.

"Hey, no, c'mon, stay and have a drink," said Joker, struggling to his feet and reaching for a bottle and two glasses. "I promise I ain't up to nothing underhanded. Cross my heart and hope to die," he said, handing him a glass.

"Forgive me for not trusting any of your promises," said Batman, dryly.

"Look, Bats, I swear, I can't even think of inflicting mayhem on others at the moment," said Joker. "Got too much of it in my own life. I have to get Harley back from Johnny Crane, but she says I gotta become a gentleman before she'll have anything more to do with me."

"Harley and the Scarecrow?" said Batman, surprised. Then he shrugged. "I guess he's her type. Old, skinny, psychotic…"

"I am not old!" snapped Joker. "And personally thinking of the two of 'em together makes me wanna puke. But they ain't taken a roll in the straw yet, which is good. Can you imagine what kinda sick, fear-related fetishes that nerd has?"

"I prefer not to imagine anything of the kind," retorted Batman. "Though I'm sure you're not one to talk about sick fetishes."

"There is nothing sick in a guy finding physical violence a turn on – you should know that, Batsy," chuckled Joker. "Or in finding gag items a turn on. Or bat-related stuff…"

"I really am gonna go…" repeated Batman, making for the door again.

"Ok," sighed Joker. "Then I guess I won't get to fill you in on all the stuff kitty said about you."

Batman paused. "What kinda stuff?" he demanded.

"That you call your manhood the Batsignal," replied Joker.

"I do not!" snapped Batman.

"No, but you really should," said Joker. "You could ask gals if they wanna turn on the Batsignal, and then drop your pants. It'd be a great ice-breaker!"

"I think you and I have different definitions of that word," muttered Batman. He paused. "So Selina didn't say anything about me?"

Joker shrugged. "Usual stuff. Why can't men commit, you need to stop putting the freaks in front of her, men are scum…y'know, the sorta crap you hear anytime women bothering opening their mouths."

"She should try to be a little more understanding," muttered Batman. "She knows the kind of man I am. If she wasn't willing to accept me for who I am, she should never have become involved with me."

"Yeah, that's always the way with women," sighed Joker. "Expecting us to change for them, but never wanting to change themselves for us."

"I think Harley changed a lot about herself for you," retorted Batman. "Like her sanity."

"Nah, she was always crazy," sighed Joker. "I just brought it outta her. No need to thank me," he chuckled.

"I mean, I'm not like you," continued Batman. "I'm a stable guy…"

"Hey, _I'm _a stable guy!" retorted Joker. "I'm consistent in my insanity! And I'm committed for life! You are too, just not to pussy. And I don't mean that you're not straight - I'm just saying you don't have to be stuck with that particular pussy your whole life. And why should you be? Guy like you, with the cape and the mask, you can probably have any dame you want! Dolls love a good mystery! At least, I think they do," he said, frowning suddenly. "Ever since Harley's little outburst, I'm starting to think that maybe I don't even know what women like anymore."

"Uh…what do you think…women like?" asked Batman slowly, wondering if he was going to regret this question.

Joker shrugged. "I dunno. A couple firm punches, a few demeaning insults, and then a hard, quick pounding. But apparently that's not good enough anymore for Little Miss Gentleman!"

"No…uh…I wouldn't call that the behavior of a gentleman," said Batman, slowly. "Anyway, I'm gonna go…"

"Do you know how a gentleman behaves, Bats?" asked Joker, eagerly.

"Well, I like to think so," replied Batman, nodding.

"Can you give me a few pointers?" asked Joker. "I'm lost up the creek without a paddle here."

"Are you serious?" asked Batman.

"No, I actually really know how to be a gentleman already, I just choose to act like a conceited jerk because it's funny," retorted Joker. Batman couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not, but he assumed he was.

"Well…a gentleman is concerned with the lady he's with, no matter what," said Batman. "A gentleman puts her first – her needs, desires, and wants come before his own. He treats her with respect, giving her sincere compliments, and listening to her thoughts. He never pressures her into anything, and he never takes her for granted. It's kinda just the rules for being a decent human being, really."

"Right, like I have any idea what those are!" retorted Joker, sarcastically. "Boy, this is a lotta crap to remember, Bats. Maybe I better write some of it down…"

He picked up a pen and paper. "Ok, I've got pretend to be interested in the yammering broad, and tell her how hot she looks. What was the other stuff?"

Batman sighed heavily, and then grabbed Joker's arm. "C'mon," he said.

"Where are we going?" asked Joker, reaching for his cane.

"Arkham," retorted Batman, slapping handcuffs on him. "I'll get the doctors there to give you a full course in polite behavior."

"Gee, thanks, Bats, you're a pal!" said Joker. He whistled happily on the drive to Arkham, and skipped off with the guards as they escorted him to his cell.

"I've never seen him so happy to be back here," said Dr. Leland to Batman, shocked. "What did you do to him?"

"Nothing," replied Batman, honestly. "We had a few drinks and talked about my manhood. It was awkward for everyone."

He turned to go. "Oh, he'd like to be taught how a gentleman acts. I said someone in here could probably give him a few pointers."

"Batman, the day the Joker is a gentleman will be the same day the Joker regains his sanity," retorted Dr. Leland. "That is, when hell freezes over."

"Well, he's got a motivation this time," said Batman. "The strongest motivation there is."

"And that is?" asked Dr. Leland.

"Love," replied Batman. "Or what he understands love to be." He shrugged. "Just tell him it's a joke. He'll do anything for that."


	8. Chapter 8

"This food is delicious, Jervis," Harley said, as she, Tetch, and Crane sat around the dinner table. "How'd you get to be such a good cook?"

"Years of living alone, my dear," replied Tetch. "One learns to spoil oneself if one has no one else to spoil."

"Well, I lived on my own in college, and I never learned to cook," said Harley. "Mr. J says I'm the worst cook in the world."

Crane's grip tightened on his fork, but he said nothing. He knew Harley couldn't help it, but he wished she'd stop bringing the monster up. He didn't really want to hear any more about the clown's abuse of Harley, especially since it seemed certain that she was still going to return to him. Not that he had expected anything else, but a man couldn't help hoping…

"I'd certainly be happy to give you a few pointers during your stay," said Tetch.

"Gee, thanks, Jervis, that'd be great!" said Harley, beaming. "You're such a sweet guy – I dunno why you ain't got a girlfriend."

"The answer to that is very simple, my dear – the woman I love is married to another man," replied Tetch. "And it would be utter nonsense to try to find another woman to love, when one has already found one's true love. Could you ever love another man but the Joker?"

"Uh…I guess not," agreed Harley. She glanced at Crane, who kept his eyes firmly fixed on his plate. "How is your goddaughter?" she asked, turning back to Tetch.

He smiled. "Wonderful, thank you," he said. "I can show you some pictures after dinner…"

"I'll warn you, he has about eight photo albums," said Crane.

"I'm sorry if they bore you, Jonathan, but I adore showing her off," retorted Tetch.

"And I'd be happy to look at them," said Harley. "I just love kids. Me and Mr. J…" she trailed off.

"You and the Joker what?" asked Crane, softly.

Harley took a drink before replying. "Well, I…really want kids someday," she said. "I really want Mr. J's kids, but he…ain't all that keen. So I might have…quite a wait. But he'll come around," she said, firmly. "He'd be such a good Daddy – he's such a fun guy."

"Oh yes – it will be wonderful for your children to see their mother abused and humiliated by that brute," muttered Crane, stabbing into his meal angrily. "Assuming he doesn't abuse and humiliate them too."

"Mr. J wouldn't do that to our kids," replied Harley. "He'll just love 'em. Once I convince him he wants 'em, of course…"

"You shouldn't have to convince anyone to be a father!" snapped Crane. "It should be a privilege, not an inconvenience! An honor, that a beautiful, caring young woman trusts you enough to create a new life with you, trusts you to take care of her and her child…any man who thinks that's a burden doesn't deserve that honor!"

Harley was silent. "You…uh…want kids someday, Johnny?" she asked.

"Yes, my dear, but I imagine I'll have an even longer wait than you," snapped Crane. "Assuming it happens at all, for why would any woman trust me with that privilege? I'm not a beast who kicks a woman out of her home for a joke, after all. And I understand that's the type of men women want to father their children, for some bizarre reason."

Harley was silent again. "Who's for trifle?" asked Tetch, standing up.

"Not me, thank you," said Crane. "I'm just going to go feed Lenore. Excuse me," he said, storming from the table.

Harley stood up too. "I…uh…better go talk to him," she said.

"Do try to be gentle," said Tetch. "Let him down easy. It's very difficult to be a man in his position, believe me."

Harley nodded. She knocked on the door to Crane's room. "What is it, Jervis?" he snapped.

She opened the door and entered, shutting it behind her. "I suppose you're wanting me to apologize for…" Crane began, turning away from Lenore, but he froze when he saw Harley standing there.

"No…uh…I wanted to apologize to you, actually," murmured Harley. "I…don't remember what I did when I was drunk, but I guess I gave you some sort of…hope…"

"No, the hope was all my own, my dear," muttered Crane, turning back to Lenore. "Believe me, I'm a very delusional man. I have few things left to cling onto in my life but my delusions. And the thought that a young, beautiful, perfect woman such as yourself could ever want to have anything to do with me is certainly a delusion. You don't really want a gentleman, Harley. You want that…clown. Everyone knows that. It's just…difficult to accept, with the way he treats you. When I know that I would never treat you like that…"

"Maybe…I'm delusional too, Johnny," murmured Harley. "Maybe I see Mr. J as something he ain't. Maybe I've convinced myself that he's the perfect guy for me. And maybe…he's not. But I dunno how to overcome that delusion, and I ain't sure I wanna."

"Then we are in the same boat, my dear," he murmured, stroking Lenore tenderly as she nuzzled his finger. "The boat of the damned."

Harley sat down on the bed. "I ain't…ever had another guy but Mr. J," she murmured. "Did you know that?"

"No, I didn't," he replied, sincerely.

"People…the shrinks, y'know, they think I'm only so attached to Mr. J because he's the only guy I've ever known, and the only relationship I've ever been in," murmured Harley. "They think I dunno what a real, healthy relationship is like. They think I just settled for the first guy that showed an interest in me, and that I'll put up with any crap of his because I'm scared of being alone again. They think I'm scared no one else will ever want to be in a relationship with me."

"And are you?" asked Crane, gently.

She nodded. "I don't like being alone," she whispered. "I like feeling…special, pretty, valuable, useful, loved. And Mr. J…he makes me feel those things. So I love him. No one else…has ever made me feel like that." She looked up at him. "Except you," she whispered.

Crane turned to look at her. "Why are you doing this to me?" he whispered. "Giving me the agony of hope where there is none…"

"How do you know there is none?" she whispered, tears in her eyes. "I don't."

He stared at her. "You think…you could ever love me?" he whispered.

She shrugged. "I…I dunno," she stammered. "I love…Mr. J. But…but I ain't ever tried to love anyone else before. I ain't ever…been with anyone else before…"

She was gazing at him. He shook his head. "This is nonsense," he murmured. "Nonsense. You're talking out of a broken heart – you're irrational and upset, and you're not thinking straight. Maybe…in your head…this is some sort of misguided revenge against him, but you mustn't…you mustn't play with me like this, Harley! It's torture!"

"I don't wanna play with you," whispered Harley, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I just wanna feel loved again."

She stood up, heading for the door. He caught her hand. "Harley," he whispered, pulling her back to him. She gazed up at him with tears in her eyes, a mixture of confused and afraid and hopeful. Without a word, he kissed her. She returned it, moaning slightly, trailing her arms up around his neck. And Crane's rationality completely gave way. He began kissing her passionately on her mouth and face and throat, and before he knew what he was doing, he had pressed her down on the bed.

"Tell me you love me," she whispered.

"I love you!" he gasped, continuing to kiss her. "I love you so much...for years, Harley! For years and years, I've thought of nothing else but being with you! You're so...beautiful and perfect..."

"N…no!" cried Harley suddenly, shoving him away from her, tears trailing down her cheek. "No, Johnny, it…it don't feel right! I'm…sorry…I couldn't…not without Mr. J!"

Crane took a deep breath, drawing away from her. "I…understand," he muttered.

"I'm sorry!" she stammered. "I'm so, so sorry for…getting your hopes up…I just…"

"You're afraid," he murmured, gazing at her. "I know. I know fear when I see it. You're afraid of losing the love of the man you gave up everything in your life for. You're afraid of throwing it all away in a moment of desperation and loneliness. You're afraid you'll never get it back."

He took her hands, wiping away her tears. "But you will get it back," he murmured. "So there's no need to be afraid anymore. The Joker will do as you ask, you'll return to him, and you'll be happy with the man you truly love. And that's not me, my dear. As much as I wish it could be."

"Maybe…I wish it could be too, Johnny," she murmured. "Maybe that's what this is all about. Maybe I wish I could love a nice, sweet guy like you. But I love Mr. J. I always have and I always will. And I couldn't cheat on him. It was stupid of me to think I could."

"I wanted to think you could," murmured Crane. He went back over to Lenore, petting her gently. "But there's no harm done," he whispered. "And I will never attempt anything of the kind again. I will never speak of it again. As far as anyone knows, we are only friends. And that's all we ever were. And that's certainly all we're ever going to be."

Harley nodded, heading for the door again. "I'm sorry, Johnny," she whispered, tears trailing down her cheeks as she left.

Crane sat down on the bed, head in his hands. "So am I," he whispered. "So am I."


	9. Chapter 9

"Joker, I have to say, I am so impressed with your progress," said Dr. Leland, sincerely. "When Batman told me about this whole gentleman thing, I thought you'd treat it all as a bit of a joke."

"I do, Doc," agreed Joker, nodding. "Nothing I take more seriously than jokes, you should know that. I'm putting the same amount of time and dedication I do into them as I am into this."

"Well, it's certainly paying off," said Dr. Leland. "It makes me wish you'd take your regular therapy as a joke – then there might actually be some hope for improvement."

Joker thought. "While I respect your opinion, Dr. Leland, I have a duty to inform you that I have absolutely no intention of trying to improve my sanity. But I thank you for your advice, and I appreciate your concern."

"That's very good, Joker," said Dr. Leland. "Do you see how you can make even refusing people sound good when you're a little polite?"

"Oh yeah, this whole gentleman act is a laugh riot," agreed Joker. "Use a little manners and politeness and people don't care what you do! For example…"

He stood up, clearing his throat. "I'm afraid I have to inform you that I'm now going to break out of this asylum. It might cost the lives of some of your employees, but of course I wouldn't dream of harming my esteemed tutor. Taking the life of so intelligent and beautiful a woman would truly be a crime," he said, bending down to kiss her hand. And then locking her wrists in a pair of handcuffs, which he attached to the chair. "_Au revoir_, Doc!" he said, blowing her a kiss as he left.

Dr. Leland sighed, struggling uselessly against the handcuffs. "Well, at least he complimented me," she muttered. "And he didn't kill me. Grateful for small blessings, I guess…"

…

"Well, it's good to see you at last, Jonathan!" said Tetch, as Crane entered the living room with Lenore on his shoulder. "You and Harley have both been keeping to your rooms so much that I'd almost forgotten I was harboring two wanted criminals! I take it things didn't go well, then?"

"No, they did not," sighed Crane, sitting down. "And I don't expect you to refrain from gloating."

"My dear Jonathan, I never gloat," retorted Tetch. "It's positively ill-mannered to do something like that. Especially when I know exactly what you're going through."

He lay a hand on his shoulder. "It's not the end of the world, you must understand that," he said, firmly. "You can be happy again without her."

"It certainly doesn't seem that way now," sighed Crane.

"No," agreed Tetch. "And it might not for some time. It helps to focus on the little things, though. You see, in Wonderland, with just the aid of a very small cake, one can grow to enormous size."

"I don't understand your point," retorted Crane.

"My point is that the little things lead to big things," explained Tetch. "My goddaughter is very little at the moment, but she has filled up a huge void in my life. I imagine your bird has done the same for you," he said, nodding at Lenore, who nuzzled Crane's cheek. "Your little act of kindness in saving her when she fell from her nest has turned into a companion for life. And I think most little things grow to big things in time. We must never take them for granted."

Crane nodded. "I also know words don't help," murmured Tetch. "They are only flimsy things after all, which can be pushed away like a pack of cards. And sometimes that's the best thing to do with them. But please don't push away the people who care about you. They are very real, and very genuinely concerned about you."

"Oh, I'll get over it, Jervis, don't worry," sighed Crane. "I always do. I just don't understand…why happiness is so hard to find."

"Well, that's very simple, my dear Jonathan," replied Tetch, shrugging. "If it were easy to find, it wouldn't be worth having. We only value that which we work to achieve. If happiness came easily, we would not want it. It is pain that makes us miserable, but going through pain is the only way happiness can be found."

"Is that nonsense, Jervis?" asked Crane.

"That's life," replied Tetch. "So yes, I suppose it is."

A knock came on the front door. "I'll get it," said Tetch, rising to answer it. He opened the door to reveal the smiling face of the Joker.

"Good evening, gentlemen!" he said, removing his hat and bowing. "Is Miss Quinn available, please?"

"Oh, for goodness sake!" sighed Tetch. "It's even more insulting than I could have imagined!"

"I'll get her," sighed Crane, standing up. He knocked on the door to Harley's room.

"Come in," she whispered.

"You have a visitor," he said, gently.

"Thanks," she murmured, wiping her eyes.

She followed Crane back into the living room, where the Joker was loudly describing his recent break-out from Arkham. "Of course it is so vulgar to discuss violence, and one doesn't like to brag about one's own achievements, but to leave that many guards dead is a rather remarkable feat, wouldn't you agree?"

"Stop talking like us!" snapped Crane.

"My dear Professor Crane, I would be flattered that a man such as myself has chosen to emulate the mannerisms and behavior of a cultured, sophisticated gentleman such as yourself," said Joker, nodding at him. "Take it as the compliment for which it is intended."

He noticed Harley and suddenly bowed low, taking her hand. "My dear Miss Quinn," he said, kissing her hand. "You look absolutely stunning. Allow me to present you with a token of my esteem – a delicate, frail bloom to match the delicate, frail bloom of your cheek," he said, handing her a bouquet of red roses.

"Oh…thanks, Mr. J," said Harley, surprised, taking it from him. She studied the roses carefully. "Is it…uh…gonna blow up in my face?"

"No, of course not, my dear," said Joker, frowning. "Such childish pranks are unbecoming of a gentleman, and a precious lady such as yourself should never be subjected to them."

"Oh," said Harley. She sounded slightly disappointed. "Ok, then."

"I also took the liberty of booking us reservations at Dini Towers for tonight," said Joker. "If we leave now, we should make it there in ample time. I suspect it will be a delightful evening for you – I have put in every effort to make it so. After which I shall be returning you here, perhaps with a chaste kiss on your cheek, and the fervent hope that I will be allowed the indescribable honor of accompanying you to dinner again sometime."

"Oh…yeah…that sounds…great," stammered Harley. "I'll…uh…get my coat."

"Well, whaddya think, Craney?" asked Joker, dropping the act as Harley left. "Think Harley's buying the whole gentleman gag?"

"You're disgusting," muttered Crane. "This just comes off as slimy and smarmy and insulting to those of us who genuinely are gentlemen."

"Yeah, I dunno how you do it, Johnny," sighed Joker. "It's a tough act to keep up even for five minutes, let alone your whole life. Dinner's gonna be a real drag. But y'know, if I get the girl in the end, it's all worth it. Guess you wouldn't know what that's like though, huh?" he chuckled. He held his finger and his thumb against his forehead. "Loser!" he laughed.

Harley re-entered the room just as Crane punched Joker in the face. "Johnny!" she exclaimed, horrified. "I'm surprised at you! You ain't a violent guy!"

"I'm truly sorry if I've upset you, Professor Crane," said Joker, rubbing his jaw in mock surprise. "I have no idea what I could possibly have done to deserve that, but if I've caused you any offense, I sincerely apologize for it."

"Shut up!" hissed Crane. "Just…shut up!" He turned back to Harley, taking a deep breath. "Have a…lovely evening, Harley," he muttered, storming back to his room.

"I'll bring her back by ten o'clock, Mr. Tetch, and not a moment later," said Joker, taking Harley's arm. "You have my word as a gentleman."

"Really, your word as a gentleman?" murmured Tetch, watching them leave. "I won't hold my breath."


	10. Chapter 10

"I really don't think anyone is gonna buy this, Selina," said Poison Ivy, as she and Selina Kyle sat at a table in Dini Towers. "And I don't think pretending to be in a lesbian relationship with me is going to make Batman jealous. He'll probably just wanna watch."

"Look, Ivy, he didn't bite with J, and I can't just give up," snapped Selina. "I just have to keep going to extremes until he finally snaps. Or I do."

She swirled the wine around in her glass. "So have you ever…y'know…kissed a girl?"

Ivy shrugged. "I've experimented a little, sure," she replied.

"With Harley?" asked Selina.

"Why does everyone think that?" demanded Ivy. "First of all, even if I'd wanted to, do you think Harley has even the remotest interest in anyone but the clown? And second of all, why would I want to kiss anyone who's been with the clown? God knows where he's been, and what kinda sick diseases he's got!"

"What…uh…kinda sick diseases do you think he _has _got?" asked Selina, slowly. "Like if someone kissed him…what kinda tests do you think they'd need to get done?"

Ivy stared at her. "Oh God, you didn't kiss the clown, did you?"

"I…may have," agreed Selina.

"What, like, a real kiss?" asked Ivy.

"There were…tongues," admitted Selina.

Ivy shuddered, taking a long drink from her wine glass. "Oh God! That's just…oh God!" she said, shutting her eyes. "And you tell me that while I'm eating!"

She sighed. "Bats can't really be worth all this, can he, Selina?" she demanded. "I mean, the lengths you're willing to go to get him back…you're acting like Harley, for Christ's sake! Can't you just move on and find a different guy?"

"Of course I can, if I wanted to," snapped Selina. "But it's the principle of the thing, Ivy. I want to know I've got him completely in my power. I want to know he's crazy about me, that he loves me, and that it would kill him to see me with someone else. And then I can play around with other guys, to annoy him. It's more fun that way."

"Yeah, I get that," agreed Ivy. "That's kinda how me and Harvey work. I would never wanna submit myself to a man by committing to be in a relationship with him – it's demeaning. But knowing that you've got a guy hooked, and watching him squirm while you mess around…that's female empowerment."

"Yep," agreed Selina, nodding. She took a sip of wine. "Kinda what J does to Harley, though…"

"Yeah, but he's a man, so it's wrong," snapped Ivy.

"Speak of the devil," said Selina, nodding at the entrance to the restaurant. Ivy turned to see Joker and Harley sitting down at a table.

"Well, it looks like they've reconciled," Ivy sighed. "Unfortunately."

"Yeah, I feel really bad for Harley," said Selina. "It must be hard to be so dependent on a guy that you'll do ridiculous things for him, getting absolutely nothing in return. Now if you see Bruce Wayne come in, be sure to hold my hand…"

"After you, my dear," said Joker, pulling out Harley's chair for her. Harley sat down slowly, expecting him to pull the chair away at the last second so that she'd fall to the ground – he'd done that before. But she was surprised and also unnerved when she just sat down, and he gently pushed the chair in, taking his own across from her.

"You sure ain't…acting like yourself, Mr. J," said Harley, slowly. "And you don't sound much like yourself either."

"I thought that was what you wanted, my little turtledove," said Joker, beaming at her. "For me to change into a gentleman for you. The real me isn't very cultured or kind or polite or generous or caring, and I thought you insisted that I become that kind of man before we could be reconciled."

"Oh yeah, I did," agreed Harley, nodding. "It's just a little…unnerving, y'know. I ain't used to it yet, I guess."

Joker beckoned the waiter over. "We'll have a bottle of your '92 Châteauneuf-du-Pape, my good man," he said. "'92 was a very good year," he said authoritatively, turning to Harley.

"Uh…the 1992 or the 1892?" asked the waiter.

Joker continued to smile at him. "Whichever one was a very good year," he muttered, his smile looking a little forced.

"They were both…" began the waiter, but Joker's smile dropped at that instant.

"Look, buddy, I don't really care, all right?" he demanded. "Just bring me something that doesn't taste like crap and has an expensive tag on the label, got it?"

"Yes, sir!" said the waiter, hurrying off.

Joker cleared his throat. "Um…while they do say wine is among the interests of a gentleman, I have to confess that I find the whole idea one big joke," he said, smiling at Harley again.

"Yeah, me too," agreed Harley. She had enjoyed the Joker shouting at the waiter – he was like the old Mr. J again. But now he was this creepy, nice, fake version that she had to admit, she didn't really like. But she couldn't very well say that, after all the fuss she'd caused about him doing this for her. And it was sweet of him, really, to go through all this trouble. So she remained silent, sipping the wine the waiter brought, and wondering how best to tactfully ask him to go back to the way he was normally.

"Uh…Mr. Joker, sir…" stammered a man in a suit, coming over to him. "The orchestra is ready, whenever you are…"

"Thank you, Francis," said Joker. "Just play some mood music for now – we'll be dancing after dinner, assuming that's what Miss Quinn wants. Anything you'd like to hear while we eat, my angel?" he asked, turning to her and smiling.

"Oh…uh…just some…showtunes, maybe?" asked Harley.

The conductor's face fell. "Showtunes?" he repeated. "This is the Gotham City Symphony, Miss Quinn…"

"The lady said showtunes, buster!" shouted Joker, standing up. "You got a problem with that, you talk to me about it!"

"Uh…no, no problem, Mr. Joker, sir," squeaked the conductor. "We'll…uh…manage."

Joker sat back down, slowly. "I apologize, my dear," he said, smiling at Harley. "Raising one's voice is not the most gentlemanly thing to do."

"Oh no, it's ok," said Harley, hastily. "I…uh…liked it. Really…uh…manly and forceful, and all for me…it's sweet."

"What do you suppose he's saying to her?" muttered Ivy, watching the couple intently. "Probably insulting her."

"Or promising her a lotta stuff he's just gonna break in a couple days," said Selina. "Pathetic. You seen Bruce Wayne yet?"

The Joker continued his act throughout dinner, asking Harley what she thought of the food, and if the music pleased her, and her opinion on various current events. It was like going out on a first date with a guy, and Harley absolutely hated it. This wasn't her first date with Mr. J – she knew Mr. J like she knew herself. She just wanted them both to act naturally, to not have to make some stupid effort to impress each other, and to just be themselves again.

After dinner, he took her hand and led her over to the dance floor, where the conductor began playing a slow waltz. It was nice, thought Harley to herself, but the waltz wasn't really her and Mr. J's kinda dance. Much too stiff and restrained and formal. She longed for them to play something else, and was just about to say so, when the music stopped, and the Joker went up to the microphone.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!" he said, beaming. "I'm sure all of you recognize me as the Joker, the insane supercriminal who's held up this joint a lotta times before. So you know the drill – hand over your wallets!"

Everyone began reaching into their pockets, when the Joker laughed. "I'm just kidding!" he said. "I'm actually not here to rob anyone tonight! I'm here to win something that I lost back – something very precious and valuable to me. I've done some really stupid things recently – I've made a few jokes that really crossed the line. And if you know the kinda jokes I usually do, then you can imagine how much it takes to cross that line," he chuckled. "And as funny as pain and humiliation is to other people, it's not funny when it happens to you. Or to people you care about. Now as you all know, I ain't a very affectionate kinda guy. I don't really get things like compassion or sympathy or love. Those things ain't funny, so I don't take 'em seriously. In fact, I don't take anything seriously, and because of that, I almost lost…the one person who takes me seriously," he said, nodding at Harley. "So I just wanted to tell ya how I feel, baby. And this song is for you."

"J can sing?" asked Ivy, puzzled, as the Joker began.

"_Strange dear, but true dear, when I'm close to you, dear, the stars fill the sky, so in love with you am I. Even without you, my arms fold about you, you know darling why, so in love with you am I_."

"J can sing," breathed Selina, awestruck by how good he actually sounded. Harley gazed at him, a part of her loving this, but most of her just really uncomfortable. It wasn't like her Mr. J to sing her a love song in public, or in private for that matter.

"_So taunt me, and hurt me, deceive me, desert me, I'm yours, till I die..._" And Harley grew angry at that. Mr. J would never sing something like that. _She_ might, but Mr. J wouldn't. And Harley didn't want Mr. J to be like her. She just wanted him to be like himself. She wanted them both to go back to normal.

"_So in love..._"

"Stop, stop, stop!" cried Harley, grabbing the microphone from Joker suddenly. "This isn't Mr. J! I'm real sorry about this, everyone! I'm afraid I did a really bad thing, and asked Mr. J to change himself for me. That was stupid, I see that now. Because the guy I'm in love with don't make big, affectionate speeches, and don't sing romantic songs. He…uh…he makes jokes. He hurts people because he thinks it's funny. And he ain't no gentleman. And…I just want him back," she whispered, turning to him pleadingly. "I love him, just the way he is."

Joker beamed at her. "She's right, folks," he agreed, stroking her hair back. "This is all a big gag, and not a very good one. You wanna show 'em what we're really like, kiddo?"

"Yeah, Mr. J," whispered Harley.

Joker snapped his fingers. "Frankie! Give us a tango!"

"J can dance?" asked Ivy, surprised, as they watched Joker and Harley move onto the dance floor.

"J can dance," agreed Selina, staring in astonishment at the couple, who were performing some pretty impressive moves. All eyes in the restaurant were fixed on them, and Harley had to admit, this was a lotta fun – performing for an audience with Mr. J always was. He dipped her down as the song finished, sliding a hand up her leg and kissing her passionately as everyone applauded.

"Encore?" he asked, grinning.

"Encore," she giggled.

They launched into a complicated tap dance and swing routine which wouldn't have been out of place in a Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers film. The only difference being that the Joker and Harley Quinn pulled out guns and began shooting random people as they spun away from each other, causing widespread panic in the restaurant as everyone began fleeing.

"Oh, that was fun, Harley girl!" chuckled Joker, as they left the empty restaurant when the dance finished and headed toward the parking garage.

"Sure was, puddin'," breathed Harley, leaning adoringly on his arm.

"Guess I'd better take you back to Jervis and Johnny now, huh?" he asked.

"Oh…yeah…ok, you could do that," agreed Harley, slowly. "Or I could…come home with you," she breathed, kissing him tenderly.

"Mmm, tempting, pooh," he said, putting a finger to her lip and smiling as she began kissing it. "But a gentleman couldn't possibly take a lady to his home on their first date…"

He choked as Harley grabbed his bowtie. "I don't want you to be a gentleman no more," she hissed. "I want you to be a sick, nasty, dirty, very bad man. Think you can do that for me, Mr. J?" she breathed, licking up his cheek.

He chuckled, pressing her down in the backseat. "I think I can, pumpkin pie," he whispered. "I think I can."


	11. Chapter 11

"Was she home by ten?" asked Jonathan Crane, entering the dining room the next morning with Lenore on his arm.

"She hasn't returned yet," replied Tetch, who was making breakfast. "So I can assume their reconciliation has been a success."

"Wonderful," said Crane, dryly, as he reached for some toast to feed Lenore.

"I've told you, Jonathan, losing her is not the end of the world," said Tetch. "You will find that special woman yet, I promise you."

"I wish I had your confidence," he replied. "But I suppose I can't complain, really. I already have a sweet and devoted woman in my life," he said, petting Lenore gently. "And I have an incredible friend who's willing to put up with my tempers and mood swings, no matter how radical."

"Well, what else are friends for?" asked Tetch, handing him a plate of bacon and eggs.

"Aside from free food and board, I haven't the foggiest," replied Crane, grinning.

A knock came on the door. "That may be Harley," said Tetch, standing up and opening the door.

"Hi, Jervis! Just come to collect my stuff…Mr. J, stop it! You naughty boy!" giggled Harley. "I'm sorry, Jervis, he's been like this all night! Can't keep his hands to himself! But I guess you can't really blame him - make up sex is the best! I think the reason Mr. J and me fight so much is just so we can have fantastic make up sex!"

Tetch re-entered the dining room, rolling his eyes. "I suggest you stay in here until they've gone," he muttered.

"Nonsense, Jervis – I can't allow the clown to get to me. That's what he wants," retorted Crane, standing up and heading for Harley's room. She was attempting to pack, but the Joker kept playfully spanking her every time she walked past or bent over the suitcase, until she finally just gave up, throwing herself into his lap and mauling his mouth.

"Oh…Johnny!" she exclaimed, suddenly noticing Crane and trying to sit up. "C'mon, puddin', let go," she said, as he held her down on his lap.

"No, there's no need," said Crane. "I've just come to say goodbye, really. And to tell you how glad I am that you're happy again. You should always be smiling, Harley. It's the definition of beautiful."

He nodded at her and turned to go, but Lenore fluttered off his arm and landed on Harley's shoulder, nuzzling against her cheek and then flying off after Crane.

He re-entered the kitchen and finished his breakfast. The door to Harley's room shut, and then she appeared in the doorway, holding her suitcase, with the Joker's arm firmly around her waist.

"Uh…just wanted to thank you both for putting me up," said Harley. "And…uh…if I could have a quick word with Johnny…Mr. J, why doncha go with Jervis into the living room and he can show you some pictures of his goddaughter?"

"Why would I wanna look at pictures of some dumb kid?" demanded Joker.

"Because I wanna have a quick word with Johnny alone," repeated Harley. "And it might make you wanna have kids of our own. Please, puddin'."

He sighed. "All right, Hatty, hit me with 'em. There are like, what, twenty?"

"Try multiplying that by a hundred," replied Tetch.

"Harley…" began Joker, turning back to her desperately, but Tetch shut the door, leaving Crane and Harley alone.

Lenore flew back over to Harley, cooing happily. "I…uh…thinks she wants you to stay," murmured Crane.

"She's a sweetheart," agreed Harley, petting her. "But she was raised by you, so she's gotta be."

She sat down next to him. "Uh…look, Johnny, I don't want things to be awkward between us or anything," she said. "I would say…I'm sorry that I can't love you, but I ain't. I ain't sorry because I know I'm not the girl for you, and deep down I think you know it too. Mr. J's the guy for me. Sure, he ain't a nice gentleman like you, but that's not the kinda guy I belong with. I ain't a nice, gentle person myself."

She took his hand. "The woman you deserve is…someone like you. See, that's what a soulmate is. Me and Mr. J, we're soulmates, and I know that despite what everyone says about us. I can feel it deep in my heart. And we're so alike – we got the same sense of humor, we love jokes and gags and violence, and we bonded over that whole clown thing. And the woman you're gonna meet one day, the one who's just gonna knock your socks off, she's gonna be your soulmate. She's gonna be just like you."

"What, you mean an utter failure at life?" replied Crane.

"In a way," agreed Harley. "She's gonna have been hurt and damaged by life, just like you were. People are gonna think she's too different, too weird, but that's only because she's so smart. She won't ever have been accepted by normal people, and she'll feel very awkward and out of place. It's possible she's gonna think there's no one out there that can love her. And then you're gonna meet her. And you two people, who the world has told can never be happy, you're gonna find happiness together. And that'll show 'em, all those boring, normal people who used to make fun of you and told you you'd be alone forever. That's what happened to me. I never thought there was anybody out there crazy enough to love someone like me. And neither did Mr. J. And then we met each other, and we realized that we were both so crazy because we had to be, to find each other. We wouldn't have ever found each other if we hadn't suffered from the same type of insanity. And the same thing's gonna happen to you, I promise."

Crane nodded slowly. "You're an excellent psychiatrist, Harley," he murmured.

She grinned. "Well, I like to think I still got it," she replied. She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "I'll see you around, Johnny. In Arkham, maybe, although I hope someplace a lot nicer. You too, birdie," she said, petting Lenore.

She entered the living room, where the Joker sat on the sofa with his arms folded across his chest, looking beyond irritated, as Tetch was describing every photo to him. "You done?" Joker asked hopefully, noticing Harley and leaping to his feet.

She nodded. "Great – let's blow this popsicle stand!" he exclaimed, grabbing her hand. "See you around, losers!"

"You feeling all right?" asked Tetch, as Crane entered the room after Joker and Harley left.

"Yes, I am," replied Crane, sincerely. "But I think I'd better go, Jervis. I've taken advantage of your hospitality for far too long. And I feel like working, and I certainly wouldn't want to involve you in anything criminal."

"As you wish," replied Tetch. "I'm glad your desire to work is back. There is nothing so becomes a man as employment, even if that employment is unleashing mass terror on the citizens of Gotham."

"Well, quite," agreed Crane.

…

"I've brought the Scarecrow back, Dr. Leland," said Batman, dropping Jonathan Crane off in the lobby of Arkham Asylum several weeks later. "Try to keep him securely locked away this time. His fear attacks can be very damaging."

"We always try to keep them all securely locked away," muttered Dr. Leland. "Easier said than done, as you well know."

"I'm not blaming you," replied Batman. "And I really need to get going, so…"

"Two supercriminals unleashing terror in one night?" asked Dr. Leland, surprised.

"Uh…no," stammered Batman. "I…uh…have a date. With Catwoman."

"A date?" repeated Dr. Leland. "Surely she understands there are more important things than that for Batman to do?"

"No, she…really doesn't," muttered Batman. "And she does some pretty crazy things to get my attention so…I'd rather be safe than sorry this time. Goodnight."

He strode off. Dr. Leland sighed. "Well, come along, Jonathan," she said, taking his arm. "I hope you aren't too badly hurt – we've yet to hire another physician after the Joker killed the last one in his gentlemanly breakout."

"Yes, I heard about that," replied Crane, nodding. "Must have been terrifying for all concerned."

"Actually, it was a nice change from his usual style," said Dr. Leland. "I wouldn't have minded him staying like that permanently, I can tell you. But I gather a relapse was inevitable."

"Oh yes, he's back to his old self," said Crane. "And my wounds from the Bat fight only consist of a couple scratches, Dr. Leland. Nothing serious."

"Good. Well, welcome back," she said, unlocking the door to his cell. "I hope one day you can get out of here legally and permanently, Jonathan."

"Hope is a cruel mistress, Dr. Leland," replied Crane. "I would prefer not to trust it."

Dr. Leland shrugged, leaving him alone in his cell. A few moments later, Lenore flew through the bars, perching by his bed. "A cruel mistress," repeated Crane, stroking her gently. "And yet better than none."

"Oh, Dr. Leland," said an attendant, catching her on the way back to her office. "I've put those applications for the new physician on your desk."

"Oh, thanks, Julie – I'll look at them now," replied Dr. Leland. She entered her office, sitting down at her desk and glancing through a few files. "Well, this one looks promising," she said to herself. "Dr. Valentina Crow…"

**The End**


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